if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
