So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
