I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
