3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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