Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
