Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
