i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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