my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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