I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
