Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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