Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
