I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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