I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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