I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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