I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize