my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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