Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
True strength comes from lack of pants
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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