i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
