My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
