i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
