you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
