she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
