im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
