ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
