Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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