I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
