I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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