im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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