I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
