just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
