Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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