I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize