it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
