Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
