My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
