in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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