he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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