I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
