How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
