Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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