it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
