I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
