Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
