Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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