toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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