he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
