Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
