Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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