weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
