I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
