If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
