you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
