The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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