he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
