Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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