dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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