Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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