so that wasnt chicken after all
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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