i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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