i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
