I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
