so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
